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Talking Points

Not the War Imagined

Page 8:
Sometimes when I look back, I think, “Man, I spent over two years dealing with those fucking wars, and I never saw any real combat—not the way I always envisioned it as a kid at least.” I never stormed a beach. I never ducked tracer fire while parachuting onto an enemy-held airfield. And my best buddy didn’t die in my arms talking about his mom and his girl back home, either. Where I was, everything was so much more vague than that.

But I did watch a two thousand-pound bomb strike the earth less than thirty yards from me and my platoon. In Army-speak, that was what we would call a “significant emotional event.” And I did shoot some guys—even killed one of them. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it was a pretty big deal to me. I saw soldiers bending under the stress of guerilla war in the mountains and in cities. I met Iraqi translators who walked the thin line between patriotism and treason every day, for months on end. I ate in their homes. I watched their neighbors call them traitors. I could have easily died at least half a dozen times that I know of. I was scared that I was going to die a hundred times that number.

 

$25—The Price of an Insurgent Attack

Page 203–206
Though the car was still traveling fast, I yelled, “They’re gonna jump! They’re gonna jump!” Suddenly, something came out of the open door. It was an object, but I couldn’t’ tell what kind of—

The dive horn began blaring inside my head. Failure was suddenly not just an option. It was likely. For the first time in my life, someone was leveling an RPG at me, preparing to fire.

Mother. Fucker. TV had rotted my brain. The guys in the car had no intention of making a break for freedom. They wanted to scrap.

Why the RPG round did not fly off the launcher at that moment, slamming into the windshield of my humvee, killing all seven of us, I wouldn’t find out until later that night. For the moment, though, I was using the extra microseconds to think. Suddenly the passenger-now officially a combatant-withdrew the RPG and the door swung shut-for a second. Then, to my surprise, it opened again.

We were now coming up quickly on a T-shaped intersection. As the car took a right turn, nearly flipping, the RPG was dropped out of the door, onto the road. We flew right past it. As we came around the corner behind the Passat, we were within fifteen feet of it. I could see people on the sidewalk scattering. It was as if they could sense the impending danger. The corner turned, I saw something else being raised in the back seat and pointed at me-either another RPG or an AK-47. This time I was not going to wait around to find out what it w—

Neither was Lawrence on the SAW. He squeezed the trigger on the machine gun and held it there. The sound of this weapon, not twelve inches from my head, it was indescribable. It was so fucking loud that all I wanted was for it to be over. I wasn’t just hearing it in my ears. It was penetrating into my head, making my brain tingle. I didn’t know things could be that loud. Not to be outdone by Lawrence, and still aiming at the Volkswagen’s back windshield, I started shooting . . . and shooting . . . and shooting. All I could think of was that we had no cover. If the gunmen packed inside the still-moving car were able to launch a single rocket-propelled grenade we would be dead. The fear washed over me instantaneously with tsunami-like force. I suddenly became desperate to kill them before they got off a shot, and the only cover I could think of was to keep shooting. It wasn’t a complete thought, though. I didn’t have time for that. It was more like an instinct. I knew that a wall of lead was all we had.

My vision quickly became telescopic as the adrenaline forced me to focus on nothing but the back windshield of the car in front of us. All I could see was smoke, flying glass, and red tracers coming from my M4 and Lawrence’s machine gun. Time and space no longer existed as it had only moments before. As I continued to fire into the back of the car, I felt like it would never end. At the moment, with death swirling around me, I felt like I couldn’t be killed—like I was never going to die. Each time I pulled the trigger of the weapon I’d slept with for nearly two years, it felt like had become an extension of my body—as if I were willing those in the Passat to die. And couldn’t pull the trigger fast enough.

Detachedly, I noticed Corn trying to squirm between Lawrence and me. I could feel him trying to get in on the action. He managed to fire three or four rounds before he got squeezed out. Lawrence, on the other hand, continued to hammer away at the car by coldly and steadily using up his ammunition. The sound and vibrations of our barrage began to swallow me up and my vision became tunneled. Because of that, I didn’t see two gunmen roll out of the left door of the back seat. Lawrence did however, and he drew a bead on both of them, knocking them down with his second long burst from the SAW.

I kept firing into the back of the car. The cacophony of gunfire continued for an eternity-or five or ten seconds. Hot brass shell casing were pinging every which way-bouncing off the railing of the humvee, off of the each other, onto the sandbagged floor, onto the concrete below. Finally something in the trunk of this car-not twenty feet in front of us-made a popping noise and caught on fire.

The blue Volkswagen Passat rolled to a stop.

I’m in the bottom of a well. Someone is yelling, “Cease fire! Cease fire!” I know that I’m not shooing my gun anymore, but this is all I know.

I was still staring at the Volkswagen in the light of the streetlamps, I could feel people moving around me.

People are jumping out of the humvee. I’m not sure what to do. The barrel of my weapon is hot. It feels just like it does after we shoot at the range or in live fires. I have just finished firing it. I think I’m out of ammo. Is this real? Was I just in a shootout?

Then I snapped back. I should jump out of the humvee. I moved.

The first thing I noticed was that we had clearly won the fight. There were bodies and shards of glass everywhere. There was blood starting to pool. The next thing I saw was a soldier from one of the other humvees open the front passenger door of the Passat and pull one of the men out. Apparently he was still alive. Where did he come
from . . . ? Then I realized the other trucks had arrived without my noticing. The soldier threw him on the ground and kicked him in the face. Two other soldiers pounced on him and zip-tied his hands behind his back.

I turned around, looked back at the intersection, and started to move in that direction when I noticed the first RPG lying in the road. “Hey I need some help over here,” I called back in the direction of the Passat. No response. “Hey!” Nothing. Everyone was busy crawling all over the carnage. Fuck it. I ran out into the intersection and grabbed the RPG launcher. When I picked it up, the round started to fall out. Quickly, I moved to catch it before it hit the ground. If its been fired . . . All I needed was for the round to detonate on contact.
  
Pg 206
Suddenly I saw what had been pulled from the car. Lying on the sidewalk beside the Passat were two RPG launchers, three RPG rounds, two AK-47s, seven magazines, and four hand grenades. All three RPG rounds were armed and the one I had picked up had been fired. Its fuse had been ignited, but for some reason it hadn’t gone off.

I’m back in the Shah-e-Kot Valley, where Takhur Gar looms above me. I’ve just been told that the thing that fell out of the sky on my platoon’s position mere moments ago was a two thousand-pound satellite guided bomb dropped by an Air Force F-16. No one knows yet why it didn’t go off. It would have killed all of us. I don’t know this at the time, but no one will ever give me a satisfactory explanation.

Now, nineteen months later, it’s happened again. As of that moment, I should have been dead twice. Not in the “that sure was close” way you experience in busy interstate traffic, but in the “This is no shit-I’m really not supposed to be here anymore” way.

Page 211–212
The medics were working furiously to save the lives of the wounded attackers in a true American fashion. At the same time, Hameed was interrogating them in true Iraqi fashion. As our physician’s assistant toiled away, attempting to keep Mr. RPG’s intestines from falling out of his body, Hameed, stood over him getting irate. His eyes were like hot coals and I could see spittle coming out of the sides of his mouth as he spoke to the man. He was seething with anger, ready to push the Doc out of the way and throttle the guy right there on the stretcher. When he was finished, he walked over in my direction.

“Hey Hameed, what’d you say to that guy?” I asked curiously.

“I tell him,” he said in heavily accented English, “I make him eat his own guts if he doesn’t give us information.”
“Oooookay,” I replied, not quite sure how to respond to a statement like that. Sounds good Hameed, keep up the good work. “So, did he say anything?” I asked.

“Yah, he says he was paid twenty-five dollars to attack TOC.”

 

What are the Rules?

Page 118
The resistance had melted away apparently—vanishing into the honeycombed building and palm forests around the city. The Republican Guard was gone. The Fedayeen, too. Even the guy shooting at the Kiowa had disappeared.

No one had expected anything like this to happen. They had just quit. They had relinquished Babylon. And the people knew it too. The swell of on lookers began getting louder and more cheerful about the situation. It was as if none of us knew what to do. In our moment of victory over the Baath Party we were confused, and the Iraqis seemed to be as well. The sudden change in circumstances caught everyone off guard. No one knew whether to celebrate or to continue bracing for explosions. No one knew who was in charge anymore. You could hear the vacuum in authority sucking restraint out of the city.

Page 119
Without hesitating, and in plain view of the citizens of Hillah, he reached up and tore it down. He quickly folded it up, put it under his arm, and carried it back to his humvee. His face was defiant, his expression read: That’s right motherfuckers. I did it. For an instant I felt awkward, unsure of whether or not we could do that. I didn’t know my role. This was the first time I had ever actually conquered some place. I had vanquished people in the past, but I’d never conquered anyone.

Page 139–140
In two wars I’d seen plenty of people who thought they were going to die. But it was always something abstract. These people, however, had been convinced that they were going to be shot with their hands tied behind their backs in the next few minutes. Witnessing their emotional roller coaster for an hour actually made my stomach turn. This was too much—to much power and too much reality. I’d been in two wars, literally joking my through combat both times, without ever firing a shot. Even when I had known that my chances of dying were raised, there had still been room for humor of that special, macabre sort. But now it wasn’t so funny anymore. Everything over the past year and a half had been at such a distance. Now I could see the expression of fear and hear the cracking voices of those subject to my authority—civilians caught in the midst of combat. They had been so scared

This wasn’t what I’d been trained for. I didn’t want this. It confused me. Where was the real enemy?

 

State of Insurgency

Page 174
When the insurgency started in Tal Afar, nobody was killed. There was neither a wounded soldier nor a shot fired. When it happened, we weren’t even sure if we’d actually been attacked. The event was at the same time insidious and laughable—and it signaled the spread of the cancerous insurgency to northwest Iraq.

Pg 175
For a second I stood there, confused. Does this concern me? I looked at the barrier wall, scanning for smoke or a breach, listening for voices or a car. But in the darkness I couldn’t see anything. And there was only silence. The thought of an attack didn’t even register. That was out of the question. Our war had ended two months earlier, sometime in April. Of course there was some harassment taking place in the newly christened Sunni Triangle, but that wasn’t anywhere close to us. Our main problems were civil in nature-not guerilla.

Pg 176–177
But that’s not the point. The bottom line was that the peace forged after the fall of Baghdad—the peace in which we’d lived for the last two months in Tal Afar—had just ended. With a muffled boom and nothing else, it had ended. By the hands of some clumsy amateur, it had simply ceased being. Unknown to us, we had been facing a dam all along—a dam that had now cracked and sprung a leak. Behind it was a deluge of terrorists and insurgents, IEDs and RPGs.

Pg 188–190
Whether we had come to prevent the spread of weapons of mass destruction or to remove an evil dictator, the end result was that we had created an increasingly complex insurgency. And in defining this insurgency, there were those who wanted to pin the attacks on thousands of mysterious al Qaeda terrorists, when in reality most of them were the word of regular run-of-the-mill insurgents.

It was if no one had read a book on resistance movements and insurgencies—or seen the movie Red Dawn. It goes like this in every insurgency: there are few fighters that have a real political agenda for killing both the invaders and those who would build a new government, there are a few foreign zealots, a few religious zealots, a few more foreign religious zealots, and then there are the rest of them—the overwhelming majority of whom are young, impressionable, male, unemployed, bored and pissed about, among other things, the fact that their uncle was killed in an air strike or their cousin was killed at a traffic control point for not stopping soon enough. Without this last group there would be no insurgency. The population just wouldn’t support it in a place like Iraq. Maybe in Afghanistan, but not in Iraq. 
You have to put yourself in their shoes. If a foreign country invaded the United States, it wouldn’t matter if they came handing out hundred dollar bills and a cure for AIDS. If they fucked over one family in an American neighborhood, a resistance would form. It doesn’t make it right—it just makes it reality.

The New IED

Page 194
As July turned to August, and August to September, the insurgency began rapidly metastasizing in areas further south. By the middle of September, the roadside bomb made its first appearance in northern Iraq, wounding two guys I knew in Delta Company. When I was first told they had been hit with an IED on the way to the Mosul Dam, I wasn’t sure I even knew what the acronym stood for. A week later a Brigade convoy got ambushed on the road into Mosul. The whirlpool had begun slowly sucking us in.

Guns & Roses

Page 121
As he pulled within three feet of my speeding humvee, I stared, wide-eyed, at the driver. He was an Iraqi man probably in his forties or early fifties. He had a thick, dark moustache with hair to match. However, his hair had receded on top, leaving most of his head completely bald. I looked at his eyes, hoping to glean from them his intentions.

Keeping both hands on the wheel, he was nodding his head backward, pointing with his eyes toward the back seat. I could see that he was smiling. I was confused. Slowly I took my gaze from his face and moved it along the car toward the rear window of the moving car. I expected to see some form of weaponry pointed at me.

Instead, I saw a little girl of no more than five wearing a white dress. She was outstretched, leaning half of her small body out of the car’s backseat window. Her arm was fully extended. In her tiny hand she held a rose.

Then things became clear. I said, “Hey man, get closer.”

“What?” Hemingson asked incredulously.

“Just do it,” I said, shifting my gun to my other hand. “Slow down and get closer.”

When he did, I stretched out my arm in its desert camouflage sleeve, reaching for the little girl. A moment later I grasped the stemless rose, briefly touching her hand. With the flower now in possession, I withdrew my arm. She smiled at me. For a brief second I smiled back. As we began to pull away from the white car I glanced back at the man driving. Still smiling, he simply nodded at me.

The Voice

Page 17:
The Voice—that detached presence of authority that guided my life and continually instructed me over my radio—said that an Iraq al Samoud missile had been fired into Kuwait and that more were expected. The Voice always seemed to come over the airwaves with such disheartening news. I never got the call that I was headed home over the radio. Instead it was always messages like, “Send us two guys for guard duty.” Or, “Expect more incoming.” Or, “Be prepared to hold that ground.”

Page 19:
The Voice over the radio announced an inbound al Samoud missile, this time barreling directly toward us.

Page 85:
We stood there without moving for another few seconds, waiting for other impacts. Nothing happened. I was beginning to think that I would just ignore it, as it seemed to be gunfire that didn’t concern me.

But that’s when the Voice on the radio alerted us of an enemy mortar strike. I was told to gear up for a counterattack. While Croom hurried back to his truck, I wondered how anyone could have found us so far out in the middle of nowhere.

Friendly Fire

Page 86
A short time later I received our mission over the radio. Our mission, the Voice explained, was to stand down. The distant boom had indeed not been an enemy mortar. It had been an American F-16. Through the crackling radio traffic, I heard the Voice say,…just fired a missile at our Patriot battery and took out a radar site.”

I stuck my head out of the truck, looking for Sergeant Croom. “Hey, c’mere. You gotta hear this shit! An F-16 just took out one of the fuckin’ Patriots!”

He said, “No shit? Anybody hurt?”

I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. “Uhh, I don’t know. They didn’t say anything about that.”

Page 93
The radio crackles again. Taylor answers it and I see his eyes widen. I can’t make out much, but I distinctly hear, “Cease fire! Cease fire!” come across. Taylor drops the handset to his side. “Sir,” he says, “they’re telling us to stop shooting immediately.”

Perplexed, I asked him why. This makes no sense at all.

“Sir, they said it’s a friendly grid. They said we just called in a mortar strike on our own scouts.”

I am stunned momentarily. How can the scouts be that close to the sniper? That can’t be. Wait a second…A new thought begins to materialize in my rattled brain. “No. No,” I shake my head. Those rounds were close…Diaz saw one impact behind him,” I stammer. Jaw dropping surprise does not begin to describe what I am feeling. If it’s true…Words like “friendly fire” and “fratricide” begin to dance behind my eyes.

“No sir,” Taylor says. “Battalion says that scout snipers are behind us and that they were engaging targets in the valley and they just reported being fired at.”

I have now fumbled my platoon through our first combat action. I have ordered my soldiers to fire on their own scouts and asked my forward observer to drop mortars on these same soldiers. This is not my fault, but I can see that this type of work is not as easy as it looks on TV.

Desensitized

Page 102:
Calling in the strikes became like ordering a pizza. You place an order over the radio for what you want—the type of ordnance you want used, where you want it to land, how much of it you want. “Yes I’ll have four high explosive mortars on such and such building in the Valley, please. Oh, and can I get two white phosphorous rounds also?” The Voice comes back with something like, “Of course sir. Would you like smoke rounds with that? Or anything to drink?”

Your personal weapon becomes the needle, and every time you charge the handle to lock and load before a mission, you inject the adrenaline, which, over time will become like heroine to you. You let yourself drift into an emotional coma. If you didn’t, you would go mad.

Page 104:
It must be quite calm to know that by praying hard, God will be rooting for your side. Walking past them I thought about the character Ceranno in the baseball movie Major League, when he is discussing the link between divine help and hitting breaking pitches. “Ahh, Hay-seuss,” the big Latin American ballplayer says, “I laak him vera much. But he no help with curveball.”

Or with RPGs and small arms fire.

Page 106:
In under a minute, explosive projectiles that I have ordered like a grande mocha cappuccino at Starbucks are careening over my head toward human beings, hunkered down in dug out fighting positions. They also fly in the direction of a single brown horse—a horse that’s probably wondering what it has done to deserve this.

Page 115
In combat you learn very quickly to differentiate between “gunfire that concerns you,” “gunfire that doesn’t concern you,” and “gunfire that should be monitored.” Nobody outside of the military realizes this, but you can be on a battlefield, explosions and shooting all around, and find yourself walking around without your helmet, eating an MRE, or discussing the merits of one sexual position over another. This is because you’re surrounded by “gunfire that doesn’t concern you.” On the other hand, when it does concern you, you’re usually very aware of this fact.

Fear

Page 19:
Before the wars, I had always been afraid of things, like failing a test in school. Or that I’d be late. I was afraid that people at the party would think I looked stupid, or that I’d say something stupid. I was afraid that, when I left the bar, I’d find my car window broken and all my CDs gone.

Page 21:
“These guys are about to find out the hard way that we ain’t the Russians…and this ain’t Vietnam.” My platoon sergeant in the Bravo Company, a former Army Ranger named Jim Collins, spoke the words deadpan and without emotion. He was always saying things like that.

Earlier that morning we’d been told we were going to war. The World Trade Center was still smoldering and, according the deployment order I held in my hand, we were part of the payback plan. I had been a platoon leader for 53 days.

Page 84
The fear and the adrenaline—they both come together on a battlefield when the rounds aren’t landing too close yet. Surrounded on all sides by death and destruction, you are still whole. You are the opposite of dead. You feel the blood coursing through your veins, nourishing this aliveness. You sense death very near, you see it twinkling in the sky. You are as close to it as you can ever come without losing your mind—and yet it makes you alive. You feel what it is to exist. It becomes something just as tangible as pain or orgasm.

Anaconda

Page 32–33
As events unfolded around me at the beginning of March 2002, I knew something wasn’t right. It had started as just a trickle of disconcerting information. But by that afternoon it had become a torrent of bad news. One soldier was reported killed, several wounded. Vehicles were being abandoned, and the Americans were in retreat. As reports streamed from the television, shock began setting in.

At the time, only one American soldier had been killed at the hands of an armed enemy in nearly a decade. To most of the guys in the unit, the idea of someone really dying in combat was still abstract. We had been rocked gently to sleep every night by the thought that we would never be sent into a situation that wasn’t peacekeeping, security, or just something totally lopsided. A battle this size hadn’t happened since Vietnam.

Operation Anaconda was legendary battle two days after it started. By the time it ended, it was already gaining an odd sort of mythical status in Army circles. Even though it was a small operation when compared to everything that happened later in Iraq, the mystique of Anaconda has remained.

It had all the elements of a memorable battle, I guess. Elite American units. An enemy willing to stand his ground. Sweeping landscapes. American troops pinned down. Army Rangers refusing to leave a man behind. Massive bombing. Snipers. Mortars. And most of all, payback for September 11.

It sounded great. It was everything I’d ever wanted as a kid designed to put the squeeze on hundreds of al Qaeda fighters found massing in the Shah-e-Kot Valley of eastern Afghanistan. Aiming to capture or kill them all in one place, the Army had devised a plan to encircle the valley with elements of the 101st Airborne and 10th Mountain Divisions. Once the terrorists were trapped, friendly Afghan forces and their U.S. Army Special Forces sponsors would attack into the valley, covered by close air support.

I gazed at the TV screen standing next to Sergeant Collins. Things just didn’t sound right. Abandoning vehicles? After spending several minutes scrutinizing every word out of the mouth of the newscaster, I began to think that if something had gone so terrible wrong, then it wouldn’t stand for long.

Page 41
All we knew was that a battle to which we had been invited was raging, and we were late.

Page 44
K. asked him what was going on and this is what he said: Some shit is fucked up. Some other shit is confused. And there’s still some other shit we don’t know about. His mission: Get us into the shit as quickly as possible. When would that be? Shit . . . either today, tonight or tomorrow. No one really knew.

Corruption

Page 133
The fog of war in Baghdad rapidly deteriorated into the fog of looting and anarchy. People were using whatever they could to move furniture and the like—cars filled to their ceilings, little white pickup trucks with beds stacked four feet high. I saw two guys driving a yellow front-end loader—the front end of which was loaded with filing cabinets and tables. When this happened, Secretary Rumsfeld, a man with no combat experience, just raised his eyebrows, squinted and remarked smugly, “Freedom is untidy.”

Page 157–158
When Ammar finally came back to me he explained that the tipster was a business rival who thought he could get the other guy’s pool hall shut down by associating it with Saddam.

I thought about that and realized that the guy’s plan had actually almost worked. That was how raids went in Baghdad—one guy would feed bad information to the American so that we would fuck with a guy that had fucked with him.

The next night Croom suggested we go have dinner with Ammar’s family at their house in Daura. He was a sucker for home cooking, At first I was hesitant, buy then considered that we deserved it after another wasted raid that afternoon. An old guy had come to us at a traffic control point and given Ammar and Croom a tip. This time it was a weapons cache belonging to one of Saddam’s men, who also happened to be the guy’s neighbor.

When we pulled “Saddam’s man” and his terrified family from their home and out into their front yard, the women and children were sobbing uncontrollably in standard raid fashion. The guy didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Then something dawned on him and he asked Ammar if this had anything to do with his neighbor.

My shoulders had slumped, defeated.

This time it was about a feud over a staircase. “Saddam’s man” had built a staircase that went up to his roof along the side of his house. The problem was, that on the staircase, you could see down onto the next-door property. He told us that, aside from being paranoid and senile, the old guy had become quite upset recently and accused him of spying on the man’s wife and daughters. I looked over the guy’s huddled, crying family. I was sure that they expected we were about to cart their husband and father off to Abu Ghraib over a dispute with their neighbor.

I took one look at Croom and could see sweat running in rivulets down his bald head—probably from the combination of embarrassment and frustration. I tapped him on the arm. “Come on, man. Let’s get the fuck outta here. We’re wasting our time.”

Easter Ordnance Hunts

Page 143
The war melted away. There was no announcement, no Army-wide proclamation; there was just being shot at one day and the next day things were just different. Traffic began picking up. Shops started reopening and people began venturing out from their homes without the intention of pillaging.

I spent most of my second day in Baghdad tracking down the unexploded ordnance deposited by Air Force and Navy aircraft—along with that left by the retreating Iraqi Army.

That day was like a big Easter egg hunt. We didn’t know it at the time, but we were actually competing with future insurgents to see who could collect the most Easter eggs by dark. Throughout the afternoon we found unexploded bombs, artillery pieces, caches of RPGs, and piles of anti-aircraft ammunition. Most of it we couldn’t transport in our humvees, so we just copied down the GPS coordinate for the piece in question and marked it on a map. Then we left, never to see it again.

A Heartbreaking Day in the Life

Page 145–147
An older kid in a striped shirt came up to me and asked in broken English if I spoke French. When I said I didn’t, he managed to make clear that he had someone he wanted me to meet. He left for a second and then brought back another guy, this one with his left arm in a sling.

The French speaker then managed to get across that the injured boy had been caught in the American bombings of this area several days earlier. He said he’d been hit with shrapnel. As he said it, he reached toward the other boy and pulled down his shirt revealing a row of stitches and dried blood on his chest. 

He paused, looking at me. Then he pointed to an apartment building and said, “Two children…from there…killed in the same attack.” He looked me in the eye. “You should not kill children.”

I didn’t know what to say. Sorry? Does that cut it? I was skeptical buy I decided to give it a try. “Sorry.”

The kid must have sensed the awkwardness for me because he suddenly declared, “George Boosh, good.” Then he continued, “But you will understand,” he said, his eyes again meeting mine, “This will be hard for us.”

I had to say something then, so I just said, “I know.”

At the time it was more or less a lie, since I didn’t know. I couldn’t have known. Americans cannot comprehend what the Iraqi people have been through for the last five, fifteen, or thirty-five years.

Take an average Iraqi family in Baghdad for instance. You live for twenty years under the reign of Saddam Hussein. During that time daily life is okay. You get an excellent education at Baghdad University, the electricity is always on, and there’s plenty of feed. But you’re cut off from the world—and your city is ruled by the secret police. You can’t say anything against the government, lest you run the risk of having your family tortured and killed. Even if you do support the government, there’s nothing to say you couldn’t run into Uday or Qusay Hussein one night at a restaurant—and that Uday couldn’t take a liking to your fifteen-year-old daughter. You lead an oppressive existence, but for the most part, it’s bearable.

Then Saddam invades Kuwait. You talk about it over dinner with your family, and here, in the privacy of your own home, you all decide that this could be disastrous for Iraq. After the war, the United Nations, led by the United States, imposes harsh sanctions on Iraq. At first you think maybe there is a silver lining—that maybe this will force Saddam to change his ways. But then the food becomes rationed—along with electricity and the gasoline. The supply of medicine in the hospital dries up too. You go to the dentist for a toothache and he tells you it needs to be pulled. You say okay. But then he tells you there’s no anesthetic. It’s the sanctions, he says.

For twelve long years you live like this—in a city under siege. The thought of a foreign invader coming to handle your own problems is painful to you because you are a proud Iraqi. But with two healthy children and one sick child, your family cannot bear to live like this much longer. Whether you are Sunni, Shia, or Kurd, you being to wish that the Americans would come. At the very least, their coming could not make life worse than it already is under the sanctions.

Finally, the first bombs begin to fall. Terrified, you huddle with your family and your dog on the first floor of your home. You’ve barricaded yourselves with cushions from the couches because that’s all you have. As the bombs rattle the windows, through your fear, you think that Saddam and his thug government are finally getting what they deserve.

Within days Saddam’s government flees. You are hopeful, buy you still sleep with your family on the first floor. One night you know the Americans are near—you can hear the shooting. You hear a tank rumbling through your neighborhood. You hear it fire once, and the sound is incredible—its deafening It fires again, But this time the round strikes close, shattering every window in your house. The next morning, while sweeping up the glass outside, you find that the American tank round landed in your neighbor’s house, killing his wife and two daughters.

Distraught, you confront the first American you see on the foot the next day. You want to ask him what happened—you want to know how this could occur. Don’t the Americans have satellites and lasers to guide their weapons? As you approach the young man in desert camouflage, the first thing he does is point his rifle straight at your chest. You can see that he is more terrified and confused than you are. You show him that you’re not a threat and continue moving in his direction. He screams something at you in English and fires a shot in the air. You plead with him in Arabic that you only want to talk to someone. That is when he comes over and throws you on the ground pointing his weapon at your head. Your family comes outside, crying.

Lying there, your face in the dust and your lip now bleeding, you wonder how things have ended up this way.

Interpreters/Do Unto Others

Page 164–165
Rather than find new interpreters in northern Iraq, Battalion allowed us to convince our Baghdad translators to come with us on the journey. We offered to double their pay to ten dollars a day if they would agree to officially become part of the unit. Of the twenty or so translators in the unit, eight decided to make the move with us.

For Ammar, it wasn’t a question if he would do it, but of how much stuff he could bring and how much more money he was going to make. Mohamed was a harder sell. He told me that he was going to have to discuss it with his family for a few days. I was disappointed to hear that he was considering not coming because I’d gotten so used to working with him over the past several weeks.

The morning of the day before we left, Mohammed announced as soon as we picked him up for work that he would be joining us on the trip. He seemed reluctant, but resolved to go through with it all the same. I felt that it wasn’t any of my business to really probe and find out what the issues were. I just accepted his decisions and left it alone. All he asked was that he get to go home that afternoon to gather his things and to have a final dinner with his family that evening.

When we picked him up that night, he was waiting patiently with a single bag outside some shops on a prearranged street corner in Daura. When we pulled over he approached with some members of his family. I’d never met them before. His father was balding, middle-aged man, and he was wearing a button-down white shirt and khakis. After I shook his hand, he looked at me enthusiastic, yet somehow hesitant smile. Then he said in broken English, “Please take care of our son. We love him very much.” It was a terribly direct statement and I could sense the fear and concern.

It’s funny—that was the only time a parent of one of my guys ever appealed to me directly to take care of his or her son.

I still hear those words sometimes. It was something about the way he looked at me when he said them. He had so much faith in us, as Americans, that he was willing to give us his son.

Long after I was done with the war, I got an e-mail telling me that American soldiers had shot him behind the wheel of his car when he hadn’t stopped at a checkpoint in time. He had lived, but the three bullets that struck him had permanently mangled his left arm. And even though they’d shot him by mistake, the military refused to provide or pay for his medical care.

I often wonder what he thinks of us now.

On the ride back, I wondered what the conversations had been like in Mohamed’s house that week. I figured that it was Mohamed’s mother who was terrified of letting him go. In the end, they probably decided that just having an income would make it worth it. I gazed at the sky as it faded from purple to black, feeling the wind rushing in through the open window of the moving humvee. Then I looked at Mohamed riding on the bench in the bed of the truck. He seemed to content and happy; he seemed at peace with having just joined an Army. Maybe he figured he could do some good for his country. The war seemed to be over and the reconstruction looked to be in full swing. I looked ahead at the traffic. Things were looking up. I wondered if this meant that we might be heading home sometime soon.

Page 167
As we were loading up to leave, I witnessed an ominous sign, though at the time I didn’t think much of it. A car turned he corner, driving around the overturned van. It came within inches of Ammar. I watched it, frozen for a second, and then listened to someone inside called something out to him. Without stopping, they drove off.

I walked toward Ammar and asked him what they’d said.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” he said shaking his head and waving me off in his normal cocky manner. “Some punk just called me a traitor.”

Friendly Fire

Page 177

I am in the mountains, standing next to Sergeant Collins. The Shah-e-Kot Valley, still smoking after an endless week of pounding stretches out before us. It is a clear dusk and now that the sun had dropped behind the ridge to the west, we can each see our own breath. A B-52, thousands of feet above us, is flying in our direction. Without taking his eyes off the plane, Collins says, “Wouldn’t it be fucked up if he dropped his payload right now?”

Yeah, it would,” I say. “Hey, wait a sec…What is…”

A dozen little pale dots are now visible below the flying aircraft. Slowly, they fall behind it-drifting in our direction. He has dropped his payload of dumb bombs. For a second I want to panic. I realize that if I could run at this altitude, there’s no way I could outrun such a number of bombs. If they are going to hit our position, they will hit it, and we will be vaporized. Even if the pilot has made a mistake, even if he realizes it, there’s nothing he can do to call them back. It has already happened to us once.

Reading my mind, Sergeant Collins, eyes still glued to the sky, says, “That’s the kind of shit you can’t run from.”

The bombs gradually float directly over us, getting bigger by the second. Their trajectory takes them onto the south side of the mountain next to us, where they impact with not-too-distant thuds.

The Fallen

Pg 181–183
“Two KIA. Friendly. One wounded,” I stated flatly. “I don’t know anything else.”

Ted looked at me, his grin widening. Then he glanced at someone who was standing on the other side of the table. He looked like he thought we were playing a joke on him. “Yeah right. Whatever,” he quipped. “Seriously, why am I not still asleep?” The war wasn’t real yet for Ted.

I looked him directly in the eye again. For some reason I had the strange urge to laugh. Nerves. I’d never before announced a death to someone—at least not one that mattered like this did, anyway. I stifled the smirk and kept a straight face. When I spoke, I spoke softly and awkwardly. “No man, I’m serious. We got two dead. Commander’s on his way back with Mike.”

Ted’s eyes doubled in size. He grinned again in reflex, except this time he looked nauseous. He said, “Who was it?”

I just shrugged. “Don’t know yet.”

When Captain Jones burst in with Bandzwolek behind him, they strode directly to our table and sat down. We waited in an awkward silence for 3rd Platoon’s leader. He was coming from the town of Zumar, five miles away. It seemed like hours—the fidgeting and the glances and the nervous exhalations. Finally, he walked though the screen door carrying his green bound notebook.

Then we learned details.

Justin Garvey and Jason Jordan. I didn’t know either of them personally. I only knew their faces and names—from passing them in the upstairs hallway at Fort Campbell to sharing time in the chow hall line in Kuwait to any other number of places. Five minutes earlier they had just been two sergeants in the mortar platoon. Now, all around the battalion, their names were being seared into our collective memory. It’s like that the first time you’re given the names of people killed in your unit. You get their names permanently branded onto your mind.

Someone had fired RPGs at the mortar section’s convoy at nearly the same time as they hit the TOC in Tal Afar. The TOC took only a minor hit from two RPG rounds that took out a chunk from the outer wall, shredded a few cots, and caused one minor injury. The other half of the coordinated attack had turned out differently.

The mortar platoon had been conducting a traffic control point that evening, stopping and searching cars, looking for anything out of the ordinary. They had run the traffic stop several miles east of Tal Afar. When they’d finished they had driven several humvees back in the direction of town. They were following the main road that links Tal Afar with Mosul, just after eleven o’clock at night. As they passed through the village of Abu Mariyah, a single RPG round struck the lead vehicle containing Garvey, Jordan and a sergeant named Doug Norman, a former Bravo guy I knew well. It was a one in a hundred shot, hitting the front windshield and killing the two sergeants instantly. Norman was thrown out of the bed of the truck with shrapnel embedded in both his legs. In a burst of adrenaline he was able to get up, recover his machine gun and return fire.

He emptied an entire drum of bullets into the darkness, hitting absolutely nothing.

Hate

Page 186–188
Things that had been welling up inside me all summer suddenly exploded in my head like a dozen Roman candles. I hated the president for his ignorance. I hated Donald Rumsfeld for his appalling arrogance and his lack of judgment. I hated their agenda. I hated Colin Powell for abandoning the Army—for not taking care of his soldiers—when he could have done something to stop these people. I hated them because the Army had seen this insurgency coming. I hated them because they didn’t listen to the people who told them this was a bad plan. I hated them because now, it meant that my guys could be next. It meant that I could be next. And I didn’t want to die like this—not in a confusing mishmash of ideologies, purposes, and bullets.

I felt like we had been taken advantage of. We were professionals sent on a wild goose chase using a half baked plan for political reasons. Lying there restlessly, I was reminded of a Schwarzenegger line in one of his movies—when, after being used and lied to, his muscle-bound character had expressed perfectly what was on my mind. My men are not expendable. And I don’t do this kind of work.

I longed for the clarity of purpose we’d had in Afghanistan.

Building Trust

Page 190–191
When Garvey and Jordan were killed, it sent a shockwave through the battalion and the community. Iraqis brought flowers and laid them at the front gate of the TOC. The caretaker of the oil company village at Any Zalah came around the next afternoon to offer his condolences on behalf of the Iraqis that lived up there by the lake. The response by the people was somewhat of a surprise to me, but after I thought about it, I could see that it shouldn’t have been. We had been working with them on the reconstruction for two months and had earned their trust. Now, in a way, the citizens of Tal Afar and its surrounding communities seemed almost embarrassed at the way their “guests” had been treated.

Reality

Page 191–192
During the time after the attack we moped. I had always thought that when a soldier from my unit died in combat it would come with a sense of inevitability—a sense that that kind of thing was supposed to happen. Being an infantryman, I thought it would be not only normal, but also easy to deal with. I had seen too many fucking movies

It turned everything sour. Driving around rural northern Iraq every day, I was used to seeing the shepherds herding their sheep in open fields. The thing was, they always wore red turbans wrapped around their faces the way you always see Palestinian terrorists wear them in videos and on posters. In the beginning, it was disconcerting to see that every day. The media had conditioned my brain to think terrorist whenever I saw the red mask, not shepherd. But sitting on their donkeys, the teenagers underneath the red masks always waved at us when we drove by. They seemed happy every time one of us waved back to them. Seeing people who looked the way I had been trained to think terrorists looked, and having them wave at me, taught me something about perception and reality.

Why the Military

Page 22
By the time I got to college I’d fashioned myself into a hawkish war junkie, probably as a means to punish my parents for allowing me to do whatever I wanted as a kid. My mom was an artist and ex-hippie with a rebellious streak; my dad was so passive that I can’t ever recall him raising his voice. Our family was middle class and both my brother and I had gone to a private school until we got into high school. We had two dogs and a cat and a big yard in a nice neighborhood. My parents had tried so hard to give us a tranquil, stable home environment. Looking back, I see it backfired for them.

Page 22–23
Yet, from the time I was small, I had been attracted to violence, to guns, to action. Raised the way I was, these things became the forbidden fruit for a quiet and shy kid who had also liked reading books about animals. And now the recruiter had seized on this one latent passion. He was a pro at it too. What he was selling, I was buying. “They’ll teach you to jump out of planes,” he’d say. And, “Sure you can still be sniper if you want to be an officer.” Reading the recruiter’s postcard had been like the addict’s first hit. Going to discuss my options with him in his office was my gateway drug. I walked out with a smile on my face and then went on to study military history in school. I joined the Army. I shaved my head. I voted for Bush in 2000. I learned to shoot. I learned to fight. And I learned to enjoy it.

What I Wanted

Page 122
Shivering in the cold on the roof of an Iraqi barracks building that night, I was at the same time relieved and let down. I suddenly saw the attack on Hillah as being a big cock-tease. I had gotten so mentally prepared for bullets ricocheting off walls and RPGs crisscrossing in front of me that couldn’t let it go. Now that the danger was over, I had reverted to being a junkie who needed a fix. I was jealous of the 3rd Infantry Division in Baghdad—they were getting action and I was desperate for some. As I saw it, I had now been in two wars and never squeezed the trigger on my own personal weapon. I had combat blue-balls.

I was a raving storm trooper, but I was humiliatingly petrified of death. I wanted to fight, but I didn’t want to hurt anybody. I wanted to be a hero and I didn’t care if I was a hero. I felt alive inside, but disconnected from everyone. I loved my family and friends and I didn’t care if I ever saw them again.

I was suffering from emotional whiplash.

Leaving the Army

Page 193
During this time, my window in which to decide whether or not to stay in the Army was quickly closing, I had to choose. I could either leave Iraq in the middle of October or stay in the army for at least another two years, risking further stop-losses.

Page 193
 I loved the Army, but I could hear Collins’ voice inside my head: A man’s got to know his limitations.

Page 193–194
I’d wanted out before, but this—this was it. I guess I just didn’t have the stomach for it anymore. Maybe the stupidity of the war in the broadest sense just kind of got to me. Or maybe the politics. Maybe it was just that whole thing had turned out to be something other than what I’d thought it would be. I didn’t know. I did know, however, that my fun meter was pegged.

And I’d never felt guiltier.

Going Home

Page 214–215
I spent the rest of the week hounding Shields about the issue of weapons on the busy ride from Tal Afar to the Mosul airfield. If you were one of these soldiers, you weren’t allowed to carry a weapon because you were leaving the country—and brigade wouldn’t assign anybody to handle the return of all the weapons to Tal Afar. All they did was provide a heavy weapons platoon escort, along with armed guards on the bus. The trip hadn’t been a problem for most of the summer, but now, with the violence escalating, I considered it a major one. I was convinced that the person who devised the rule was a person who rarely traveled the roads of northern Iraq.

Page 217
Being extracted—whether it’s from one battlefield or an entire war zone—is better than the last day of school before summer. It’s when you start to believe that you’ve made it through. You get euphoric, but in the back of your mind you realize there’s still time to get killed. You’re about to get out for summer, but you haven’t gotten that last report card. It’s the time in which you promise yourself that, I will never do anything like this ever again. Even though somewhere deep inside, you know you’re lying to yourself.

Page 250
O’Brien explained it best to me over the phone about a year after we got back from Iraq. He was in Boston, I was in Dallas, and we were both out of the Army. He had despised the job more than anyone—the two deployments, the combat, the infantry, everything. He always said that he’d wished he’d just stayed in the landscaping business. But in the end, on the phone, I asked him if he was still bitter about the whole ordeal.

He said of course he was. And then, in his Boston accent, he added, “Yeah, it was miserable…ya know…prob’ly the wust period of my life. I wouldn’t’ eva do that shit again in a million yea’s.” I agreed.

Then he paused. “But ya know…we did have a pretty good time didn’t we?”

A lot of people can’t understand a contradiction like that. But we can. We are enlightened.